Caring for the dying

We need to talk about death

“There’s so much fear around death,” says Gemma Campbell, a Kooth Counsellor. “I think it stems from the fact that we don’t talk about it enough. We’re happy to share stories about births, but we can’t bring ourselves to talk about someone’s final moments.”

This can be especially true if we’re caring for someone who’s coming to the end of their life. We want to do our absolute best to look after that person in their last months, weeks or hours. Yet we don’t want to talk about death or dying.

Death can be beautiful

Gemma adds: “Interestingly, when I’m in a hospice or hospital where people deal with death every day, it feels quite different. I hear conversations that are more practical and down to earth. Death can be a beautiful experience, a real celebration of the person who’s dying. The last thing you can do for them is to make them feel safe and comfortable.”

Tips on gentle dying

Gemma’s ideas would resonate with Felicity Warner, who has supported hundreds of people in their final moments through her work as a ‘soul midwife’. Soul midwives are non-medical, holistic companions who guide and support the dying in order to facilitate a gentle and tranquil death.

Felicity says: “Really simple things can make a huge difference to someone who’s dying, helping them to feel more relaxed and in control. Carers are in an ideal position to offer support in this process, as they are often physically and emotionally close to the person.”

Here are Felicity’s tips on how carers can support someone who’s dying.

1. Open up the conversation

“Many people have a primal fear of death,” says Felicity. “By talking about it, we can help dissolve some of that fear. But don’t push the conversation if the person dying is frightened or resistant. Choose a moment when you’re doing something gentle, such as brushing their hair or holding their hand. Then ask a neutral question like ‘What are your thoughts about the future?’ or ‘Is anything worrying you?’ to give them the chance to talk about how they feel about death.

2. Leaving a legacy of love

“One way to help people see death in a different light is to create something together that will help friends and family to remember them,” says Felicity. “This might be a book of photos with their notes on people and events or a hand-written book of family recipes. One person recorded herself reading her grandchildren’s favourite bedtime story, so they could listen to it when she was gone.”

3. Help them make an end of life plan

If the person is willing to talk, you could discuss their end of life plan. Where would they like to die, ideally? Is there a special prayer, poem or piece of music they’d like to hear? Who do they want to be with them? “One person told me that at the end, she didn’t want to see any family, only her cat, her best friend and her soul midwife,” says Felicity.

4. Put together a ‘comfort kit’

“When we’re getting ready for a birth, we pack a bag that has everything in it that we need,” says Felicity. “Why not do the same for death? It can contain anything that will help to soothe or comfort someone in their final days. One lady’s kit included iris perfume, a treasured childhood book, and a playlist of her 30 favourite tracks.”

5. Create calm with breathing exercises

“Breathing exercises are my number one tool to work with,” says Felicity, “because they can give space among chaos and build emotional resilience.” Ask the person to take long, slow deep breaths, pause before exhaling, then slowly breathe out, making the exhale longer than the inhale. “When someone is at the very end, simply matching their breathing pattern can also be a wonderful support,” she adds.

6. Quieten the mood

When you’re with someone who is very near to death, Felicity advises being very calm and quiet, especially if you’re in a busy, noisy clinical environment. “When we’re trying to get a baby to sleep, we sing them a lullaby. Caring for someone who’s dying is like caring for a little one. Turn down the lights and bring the energy right down. I like to put a symbol on the door – a butterfly or a ribbon – to show people outside that something sacred is happening inside that room.”

7. Afterwards, take your time

If you’re in the room with the person after they’ve died, if possible, take your time. Don’t rush to get on with the practicalities. “It’s such a precious time and you never get it back,” says Felicity. “For a short period, you’re in a time outside normal time. Just absorb the moment and be with that person. You can still talk to them and tell them what they mean to you. Say a prayer or read a poem, if that feels right to you. Wish them well on their journey and let them know that your love goes with them.”

8. When you can’t be there

“It can be so upsetting if we’re not with someone we’ve cared for when they die,” says Felicity. “If they’re dying and you’re not with them, or if they’ve already died and you weren’t there, I recommend creating your own ritual. You could go for a walk in nature and think about the person, or you could gather together some things that represent them, light a candle and talk to them as if they’re in the room with you. It can really help you to feel better about a situation that felt jangly or fractured.”

9. Look after yourself

Finally, take care of yourself. “Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury,” says Felicity. “When we’re helping someone else to have a good death, it takes an enormous amount of emotional energy. Get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, eat nourishing food and take time out for yourself. Don’t feel guilty. In the long term, you’re replenishing your reserves so you can offer better support to the person you’re caring for.”