Family estrangement: Yves’ story

This article is one of a series written for Qwell, an organisation that provides mental health and wellbeing support. To ensure privacy and anonymity, Yves is a pseudonym.

A surprisingly common issue

Family estrangement, when someone ends regular contact with one or more family members, is more common than you might think. This is more common than you might expect. According to Stand Alone, a charity that supports adults who are estranged from their family or children, estrangement affects one in five British families.

The issue can be intensified for trans people – those whose gender identity is different from the gender they were thought to be when they were born. According to the charity Just Like Us, 19% of trans people say they’re not close to family members, compared to 6% of straight cis-gender people. (People who are cis-gender have a gender identity that matches the gender they were assigned at birth.)

Family rejection

This is Yves’ story. When Yves was 23, they came out to their parents as trans which led to their stepdad asking them not to come back to the family home. Here, Yves describes their experience and how they’ve chosen to live with the situation.

When my stepdad told me to go

When I was a student, I was living away from home part-time, but the family home was my permanent residence. I went home during a holiday break and was devastated when my stepdad asked me to leave.

He said to me: “I want you to leave and not come back.”

I immediately left and stayed in friends’ houses until I could go back to the room I was renting as a student.

It came as such a shock that he didn’t accept me coming out as trans. You expect your parents to support you. I spent weeks stuck in a tunnel vision of thinking, “This can’t be real, this can’t be happening.” After that, I was left with a deep feeling of worthlessness, with my stepdad’s words on repeat in my head.

Unfortunately, my mum didn’t say much. She chose not to be present when I was dismissed from the family home.

Deciding to create my own ‘chosen’ family

When I finally emerged from the intense grief of being rejected by my parents, I was able to take stock of those who were still by my side. The people who took care of me and got me on my feet again felt like the people who loved me and saw me most truly. They felt more like my chosen family. Since then, I’ve allowed myself to prioritise the connections that feel the most meaningful to me instead of focusing on the connection I’m missing from my parents.

Building up my sense of self

Being estranged from my family impacted my self-esteem and sense of security for a long time. I spent the first few years managing severe depression and anxiety while trying to get a handle on my life. Eventually, I created the stability I needed to build up my confidence, trust, and sense of self – but it was a rough and tumble sort of road.

However, I believe the experience has made me a more tender and deliberate person, especially in my interpersonal relationships. Healing from this familial hardship has given me the chance to be a better friend, neighbour, partner, and sibling.

Trying to reach out

I’ve tried to be in contact with my parents in many ways over the years. For a long time, my calls and texts went unanswered or, if I made plans to see my mother in person, she would cancel on me at the last minute.

Only recently has there been any real progress in that area. Just last month, I went by the house to see my mum for a hug and chat for the first time in years. But to this day, I don’t speak with my stepdad.

I hope that in the future the relationship with my parents can be one of mutual acceptance. I want to lean into accepting our connection for what it is, without putting any expectations on what the relationship should be like.

Estranged from some, embraced by others

It does feel as though the fact that I’m trans is the reason why I’m not close to some family members. They just can’t accept who I am. On the flip side, I feel incredibly close and connected to the family members who have gone out of their way to let me know that they do accept me.

Support from my sister and the LGBTQ community

My sister was hugely supportive of me in the aftermath of coming out to our parents. Our bond as siblings has only been strengthened, and I am forever grateful for the ways she’s shown up for me in the years since. From caring for me after top surgery, to creating new family traditions for us to share, she has truly been my best friend and number one supporter.

Also, it has helped immensely to create connections and build community elsewhere in my life, especially in the LGBTQ community.

*‘Top surgery’ refers to altering the appearance of the chest to align with the person’s gender identity.

My advice to others

Keep your heart soft. You need a soft heart to accept the care and love that is meant for you, and that you deserve.

Understanding grief and finding acceptance

Joe Martin is a counsellor. He shares his perspective on Yves’ story:

“The denial and sense of disbelief that Yves felt around being rejected by their stepfather and mother is completely understandable. They were going through a grieving process, grieving for the loss of their past life and the relationship they’d shared with their parents.

“People tend to think grief is something we only experience when someone has died, but we can grieve for any kind of loss, and the loss of the relationship with our parents is an especially painful one. Yves’ sense of self was damaged by this rejection, but they showed immense courage and strength in being able to pick themselves up again, and form family connections with a family of their choosing, based on people who love and support them.

“The charity Stand Alone offers support to adults who are estranged from their families within the UK. I’d always encourage anyone over the age of 18 who becomes estranged from family to reach out to them.”

Published on Qwell

This article was originally published by one of my clients, Qwell, who provide mental health and wellbeing support online. See the Qwell site and discover more about my work for Qwell.

See more about my work for charities here.